Why do we ignore his red flags… and how you instantly raise your value so you attract the man you want…
One reason that we get more hurt than we need to is the way we come to like men. We go “oh whatever, I don’t care much, Oh well he is nice but whatever, Oh I am not sure if I am interested…” until… something happens.
The man does something we really like, someone tells us something great about him, we suddenly realize he is particularly good looking or he says something that feels really good in that moment.
And then we all of a sudden decide “actually now I really like him. He might be the one” and then we stick with that decision.
The danger of this is that we create a kind of non-moving image of this man.
We now in our HEAD say, I really like him, this man is right for me, I want to be with him and we no longer pay attention to what is happening moment by moment and how he is moment by moment and most of all how we FEEL when we are with him.
So what we do now is make reality fit to the vision we have in our mind instead of looking and experiencing all the moments we have with him and how we FEEL moment by moment when we are around him.
We start changing ourselves to fit him into our vision of him.
Instead of being curious about who he really is and learn about him and let our experiences and feelings free-flow and feel and see if this man is actually right for us, we try to squish him into the vision we have created and ignore and excuse everything else.
I know you have requirements, I am not talking about the superficial stuff but core requirements, core things you need from the man you are with or a new man you want to be happy ever after with.
How he treats you in an argument, how he behaves with your kids, your friends, your family, is he willing to communicate, does he want the same kind of relationship you want, is he willing to grow like you are, the way he deals with stress, the way he is present with you, is he willing to take the masculine role in the relationship, do you feel cherished and loved around him, can you be playful together…
Instead of making the decision “he is the right man for me” non-moving and your needs fluid, how would it be to make your needs non-moving and your vision of him fluid?
What if your needs and your values is the non-moving part and the behaviour we witness, how we feel with him is the fluid part, the part we are curious to discover moment by moment?
That would mean you could be expressing yourself regardless of how you think he might react and when he doesn’t communicate with you, ignores you, when he treats you badly, ignores how you feel, constantly shuts down on you or doesn’t move the relationship forward at all then instead of telling yourself “oh, the love of my life is ignoring my feelings or shutting down on me, it must be my fault” you start to say “ oh he is ignoring my feelings so he might not be the love of my life”.
When you have decided early on this man is finally your man no matter what, the fluid part becomes your needs, your values, your boundaries, what you are willing or aren’t willing to accept, what you are willing to justify and what you decide better not to say.
This is a dangerous thing because it makes him the totally certain part and your needs and values, your boundaries and the relationship you want becomes the uncertain part.
I would love for all of us to flip this. I would love for our needs, our values, our boundaries, how we want to FEEL when we are with him become the certain part.
Not un-changeable of course as we are always evolving, but certain and the decision if he is our Mr Right becomes the part that is fluid.
It becomes the part we are curious to discover and find out if it matches up to our standards and what we need in a relationship.
Then we have real certainty in us and instantly can start trusting ourselves more because we have the self awareness to know what we need in a relationship and how we want to feel and accept nothing less than that.
We can really experience every moment, be present and open and warm and express ourselves authentically because we have our certainty on the inside…
This is a wonderful innate feminine quality and it is incredibly attractive to every man. It instantly raises your value in his eyes and it raises your value in your own experience of yourself too.
I know how it feels to make a non-moving decision that a man is Mr Right and letting my needs and values become fluid.
It felt amazing for me to flip it and I feel it will feel amazing for you too.
I learned this concept of non-moving and fluid from Matthew Hussay. He is a great relationship and dating coach.
I feel curious to hear your thoughts and experiences.
Please leave a comment below and I will answer it as soon as I can.